Define Hedberg Meaning

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
-Mitch Hedberg

Man that Hedberg loves the cock!

(I would put a quote here, if i could be bothered. I can, and so I will.)

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice.'"

and

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

And who could forget...

"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

we'll never froget you mitch.

Mitch Hedberg -isms:

"Escalators are good, cuz they can never break. They just become stairs."

"I find that a duck's opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was so unnecessary."

"I wish there was such a thing as cinnamon roll incense, because I would light some up in the morning and give my roommate false hope."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up!

- Dogs are forever in the push up position.
- I cant wear turtlenecks, it's like being strangeld by a really weak guy, all fucking day. When I wear a turtleneck and a backpack, i think a weak midget is trying to take me down.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of dropping Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

"I got a ant farm...them little bastards didn't grow shit." ~Mitch Hedberg~

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny