Define Mitch Hedberg Meaning

(I would put a quote here, if i could be bothered. I can, and so I will.)

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice.'"

and

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

And who could forget...

"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

we'll never froget you mitch.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of dropping Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny

I slept at my friends house, and he said "you have to sleep on the floor" i said "Damn gravity...got me again! You don't know how badly i wanted to sleep on the wall!"_ Mitch Hedberg

and

I have a king sized bed. Now i don't know any kings, but I'm sure that if one slept over, he would be comfortable... "Hey I'm a king!" "well you'll never guess what I have in store for you, exactly to your specifications"-Mitch Hedberg

and

You know how people say "i don't care if they're black, white, purple or green!"? ..oh now hold on a minute, you gotta draw the line somewhere...to hell with purple people! unless they're suffocating...theenn help em!-Mitch Hedberg

"I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
The Grand Finally

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

Xylophone is spelled with an X. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start alot of words, but you will have a co-staring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be aquainted with hugs and kisses. and you will make writing christmas easier. and you will mark the spot. and you will incedentaly start Xylophone. Are you happy now, you fucking X?

yno, on a stoplight, yellow means yield, and green means go? well, on a banana, its just the opposite. green means hold on, yellow means go ahead...... and red means where the fuck you get that banana AT?

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright.

WHY The Fuck did mitch hedberg half to die what bullshit is this

Mitch Hedberg -isms:

"Escalators are good, cuz they can never break. They just become stairs."

"I find that a duck's opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was so unnecessary."

"I wish there was such a thing as cinnamon roll incense, because I would light some up in the morning and give my roommate false hope."