Problem: The condom broke.
Quick fix: Get down there and try to suck it out.
New problem: You just swallowed a bunch of jizz, you cum-guzzling idiot, and she's pregnant anyway.
Better idea: Give her the morning-after pill.
Problem: Too many ducks in your yard.
Quick fix: Use duck tape, thinking the ducks should be attracted to it.
New problem: Kids in the neighborhood used it to tape your son to a tree naked.
Better idea: Shoot those damn ducks with a
sawed-off shotgun. That'll teach 'em.
Problem: You want a liter of cola. Not a 20-ounce bottle, not a 44-ounce big gulp, a fucking liter.
Quick fix: Jump over the counter, attack that
burger punk, and start a crazy big mac-throwing riot.
New problem: That's assault, brother. You're in
the slammer.
Better idea: Remind the kid that liter is French for "Give me some fucking cola before I break your fucking face!" Don't actually do it though.
Problem: Your arm is trapped under a slab of concrete, and you're starving.
Quick fix: Gnaw it off. That solves both problems.
New problem: You're handicapped and everyone laughs at you.
Better idea: Lift the
cinder block off of your arm and walk to McDonald's across the street.
