Transatlantic Spanertakic
The Outcast
âThe moon is bright tonightâ, said the wise mushroom to the
unperturbed cripple, âI have been away from my family for too long now and I must return and seek my vengeance, be it with a mallet, or twenty-three Ikea catalogues.â
This legendary tale started in the year of 1720b.c and
Mustafa the mushroom (agricultures self named â
ard man) and
Cuthbert the cripple (disabled peoples self named â
tuna sandwich) had a plan. They would rob
Audley Harrison, the local greengrocer and give the peach coloured
doubloons to the âhelp
the aged mushroom charityâ. This would help fund day trips for the elderly fungi and encourage them to participate more in events in the local community.
Cuthbert and Mustafa were dressed in black (the favourite colour of thievesâ, vagabonds and of course the odd ninja) unfortunately for them it was during the day therefore theyâre clothing colour didnât really matter.
Mustafa tried the cat flap, it was open âsuspiciousâ he thought, âthe greengrocer doesnât own a cat.â. The two amigos crept inside, making as little noise as possible and sticking to the shadows. Eventually they reached
the forbidden fruit (the till) only to be greeted byâŚ
âNo moneyâ, screamed Cuthbert, âwhat a waste of time/effort that was, Iâve just missed the bingoâ
They snuck outside into the dimly lit street. All of a sudden four
armoured tricycles pulled up by the
kerb and surrounded the two mushrooms, they were trapped like a farmer in a dinosaur, and they did not know what byâŚ
The two friends could not remember one thing more about that fateful night and could only recall waking up in the forest surrounded by packs of bacon and âtradeâ size tubs of
nutella sandwich spread.
We join them at this pointâŚ
âThe moon is bright tonightâ, said the wise mushroom to the cripple, âI have been away from my family for too long now and I must return and seek my vengeanceâŚ, be it with a mallet, or twenty-three Ikea catalogues.â
The gruesome twosome decided to head north, not knowing which way was north due to them not having a compass, they headed left. They did not know where it would lead them but they both agreed that anywhere would be better than this bacon and nutella infested dumping ground deep inside the gloomy forest. Little did they know there was a
road running parallel to the woodland on the right hand side.
They travelled four days and four nights before finally finding a cave in which to rest without disturbance. They lay down ready for a good nights sleep.
âArghâ, the noise bellowing from within the cave was shrill and
unearthly. Mustafa awoke with a start, and realised the noise was not coming from his mouth. Meanwhile Cuthbert had awoken and realised the noise was coming from his mouth. Not only was the noise coming from the cripple, but he had no arms.
âWhere have your arms gone Cuthbertâ, enquired the perplexed mushroom.
âI do not know one minute they were there then I woke up this morning and they had disappearedâ, replied the distraught cripple.
âAh that will have been the mysterious arm stealing
cave dwelling baguette shaped pencil case that many refer to as Johnâ. The cripple was impressed at the mushrooms wisdom and soon forgot about his lack of arms. The two headed off and vowed never to set foot in a cave again.
âMUUUUURGHâ, the noise startled the cripple but the wise mushroom proclaimed âitâs just a
foghorn, it wonât bite, and we must be near waterâ. And indeed they were, the two comrades had travelled from the murky depths of the woods and had now arrived at the port.
There was something suspicious about his port, it was not instantly recognisable but after seven point four (7.4) minutes of intense debate the two
terriers agreed that there was in fact no water for miles around.
âSo how are the boats thereâ, asked the cripple in complete and utter confusion.
âI do not knowâ, replied the mushroom, âwhy donât we go up to a boat and ask him.â
So the two walked over to an ocean liner and asked it âhow can you be here if there is no water for miles around.â
âI do not knowâ replied the ocean liner.â
Utterly satisfied with their answer the two
musketeers grabbed the nearest pigs and
rode off into the sunâŚ
âAAAAAAAH, I didnât know it would be so hot up hereâ. For once the cripple had shown himself to be wiser than the mushroom as he had packed his sun proof flairs. Luckily for Mustafa he had
spare pair that were just the right size for the now toasted mushroom.
They stayed on the moon for a couple of hours, visiting the various souvenir shops, theme parks, and fast food joints before returning homeâŚ
âCRASHâ
âI wish these pigs had brakesâ, Mustafa proclaimed, but the cripple was nowhere to be seen. We can only assume he had not landed.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Out of nowhere came John Bon Jovi who ate Mustafa in one swallow.
SO remember if you are ever in space look out for a cripple and the next time you see John Bon Jovi remember what he done to our hero.
Till death do us part�
By Martin
Gannon