Colonel Sandurz: How about you two? Found anything yet?
Black Gaurd: We ain't found shit!
Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
Ludicrous speed, GO!
Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!
President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because "good is dumb."
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Maj. Asshole: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Col. Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Col. Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Col. Sandurz: He's an Asshole too, sir.
Gunner's Mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship, any how?
Everyone: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes!
Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and
I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it.
Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?
Dark
Helm.: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helm.: What hapened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helm.: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helm.: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helm.: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helm.: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helm.: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helm.: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helm.: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helm.: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helm.: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again.
Dark Helm.: Good!
Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Star: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Dark Helm.: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!"
